And then I had this thought come through so clearly it almost made me laugh

Oh…this is peace.

And with it came the memory of the very first moment I can remember feeling it.

I think we all have a “baseline” memory, a moment that quietly becomes the reference point for what something feels like in our body. Love. Grief. Safety. Peace.

The first time I ever felt peace, I was ten years old. This is the scene my body brought me back to.

We’re at our Lake Tahoe house. Perched halfway up a mountain, overlooking the water like it’s guarding something sacred. It’s mid-winter. Cold, quiet, still.

I wake up before the sun has even thought of rising. The house feels asleep in that special way. No movement, no sound, just a hush that made everything feel holy. I grab a thick blanket from the back of the couch and open the door to the expansive wooden deck, Lake Tahoe stretching out behind it like a dark, waiting backdrop. The air hits my face with a force that steals my breath, sharp and clean, stinging my lungs like knives. I step out anyway, wrapping the blanket tighter around my body, and sink into one of the lounge chairs.

As I look out into the darkness, I’m not afraid. I feel something I can’t quite name yet, calm made of silence. 

And then, slowly, night begins to loosen its grip.  A soft glow touches the edge of the sky. Pink and orange so deep it feels like it reaches inside me. With each breath, my chest rises and falls as the steam from my exhale floats into the air, proof that I’m still here. I’ve never seen anything so breathtaking in nature. Or felt anything so quiet inside myself. 

Years later, I would return to this memory again and again because it became the first place my body learned what peace felt like. And once I knew what peace felt like, I noticed everything that wasn’t it. 

Using that memory as a reference point has helped me to distinguish intensity from intimacy… and chaos from peace. 

Now if I’m quiet enough, I can find my way back to that feeling on purpose.

In Part 2, I want to explore what happens after your body learns the difference between peace and intensity.